Last Times

Day 15 of hospice care. Still no symptoms.

I had my last flu shot and PSA test today. It's my last PSA test because that is not normally covered by Hospice. They're approving it one time for prognostic purposes. I just want the information so I can report on it. I want to monitor my disease and bear witness. But if I want to do that in the future, I'll have to pay out of pocket for it. So this was probably the last one.

And of course, it's my last flu shot because, well, I won't be here for the next flu season. Normally, flu shots aren't recommended for hospice patients - at least by Denver Hospice - because hospice patients usually don't leave home much. But I still go out and about, and intend to do so for as long as I can. I also work with kids. 'Nuff said. I get the flu shot. But it's my last one.

I find this phenomenon happening with increasing frequency these days. I'll be performing some mundane task, like driving somewhere or buying something, and I'll think, "that's probably the last time I'll do that." It's very weird.

I know you don't want me to talk like this. Just let me remind you that symptoms are expected by Christmas at the latest. I may look fine now, but I'm not. I did take the stairs today, though.

This happened last Saturday, on our way to the home of friends who live about a fifty minute drive from our house. We get together about once a month, and alternate being at each other's homes. We've done this for decades. On the way there last Saturday, I realized I was probably making that drive for the last time. According to our plans at the time, we wouldn't be driving back there until January. Will I be up for a fifty minute drive in January? Hard to say. I suspect not.

Two weekends from now, I will visit close friends for the last time. My wife is going with me, and I doubt it will be her last time. I imagine there will be some girls' weekends around Jan's pool for Sharon and Nikki in the future, but for me, it's the last time. I'm going to say my goodbyes. If possible, however difficult, goodbyes should be said in person. The more you love someone, the more true that is. And we love our friends very much. They are chosen family, and have been since the 1980's. We will hang out and have lots of fun, but when the time comes, we will say our goodbyes. Because it's the last time.

Wik, the band I'm in, is rehearsing for Prog Fest every week until the show on October 29th. I've performed at this annual event many times since 2006, but this is my last one. No way I'll be here next October or November. I'm happy to be onstage for this event one more time, and even more glad I'm not in charge of any of it. Normally, I'd already be thinking about what I want to do next year. But these aren't normal times. I know this is my last Prog Fest.

I'm as grateful as I can be that I expect to still be at full strength with no symptoms by then. But I don't necessarily expect that for the next performance on my schedule.

The winter show with The Littleton Conservatory Of Rock, where I am vocal and performance coach, is in January. Roughly the same time I'm unsure if I'll be able to drive for fifty minutes. The energy required for driving is minimal compared to getting ready for and putting on a show. But this show is very important to me, because it's my last one.

The object for me is not to perform. I'm a coach, and my job is to get the kids onstage, not myself. But I must admit that I do put myself onstage more than I should for one selfish reason; I want to sing with my singers. I want very much to do that one more time, but I have to approach this show differently than I have others. Because it's not certain I'll be able to take the stage at all by then. I might be in too much pain, or look so bad I don't want to get onstage. Or I might not be able to get out of bed.

So while I prepare to be onstage at times, if I can, I have to make sure someone else knows and can cover my parts if I can't. But believe me, if I can leave the house, I will be at this show, whether I can perform or not. Because it's the last time.

But it's not always bad to be doing things for the last time. Here is a list of other things I've done for the last time:

1. Go to the dentist
2. Go to the DMV
3. Buy tires
4. Pay income taxes
5. Endure another national election

And the list goes on. See, there is an upside!

While I walked into the doctor's office today to get my blood drawn for my last PSA test, there had been a fire drill, and the strobe lights were still on. I walked up to reception and saw my friends Anne and LaShay. It was my first time seeing them since our tearful goodbye about a month ago, which I recount in The Hardest Part. After we said hello, I joked that I'm so hot the fire alarm goes off when I walk in the door! Nikki, my doctor's MA, drew my blood for the last time. It was awesome seeing her too.

On my way out, I made an appointment to consult with my doctor. He was my oncologist, and now he's my hospice doctor. You may remember that I found out in our first visit with my hospice nurse that if my oncologist agreed, he could be my hospice doctor, enabling me to continue seeing my team for a while. I didn't lose them after all. They were right where I left them.

Apparently, it's unusual for a former cancer patient in hospice care to want to come in once a month to consult with him, but I'm an unusual guy. You may have noticed. I'm very happy and blessed to be able to say that, though this was my last PSA test, it's not my last visit to see my team. I'll keep seeing them for as long as I can get over there.

When the time comes, if we are close, let's make sure we say our goodbyes face to face. Even if we think it's not our last time seeing each other, we don't know that for sure. We never have. Treasure the moments you have in life. You never know when it's the last time. #waroncancer #bearingwitness