For The Director Of Music

Nicki Morgan, The Daughter I Never Had, posted a Bible verse on Facebook this morning, and it spoke to me. It was Psalm 139:23. It goes like this:

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

I have a lot of anxious thoughts these days. I know Nicki posted this verse because it spoke to her as it did to me. I wanted to comment with the next verse, so I looked up this familiar psalm that I've read, studied, and heard so many times before. As I read through the chapter, it seemed like it was just for me today. Then I looked at the line at the top, and realized it really must be for me. After all, it says, "For the director of music." That's me. Or at least, it used to be.

So I felt led to go through the chapter and give my impressions of what this psalm is saying to me today. This is not a Bible study. I didn't do any research or study, and I won't talk about the original language and culture like I would have in my Bible blog. This is just stream-of-conciousness commentary. Sometimes whimsical, but hopefully meaningful.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.

I didn't used to be very comfortable with the idea of God searching me and knowing me. I wasn't crazy about him knowing everything I do and think, either. I wanted to keep some things to myself. I didn't want to be judged, or to have to change my ways. But since God began revealing himself to me, I no longer fear judgment. I'm no longer uncomfortable with him knowing me inside and out. Because I know how pure and deep his love for me is now. At least, I have a better concept of that now than I used to.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.

 And he still lets me say that crap? Free will is a blessing and a curse.

⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

The deeper I go into hospice care, the more I need my safe place. I just returned from a wonderful visit with friends out of state, and as awesome as that trip was, I am not in a hurry to leave my safe place again. Where I once might have felt confined by God's hemming me in behind and before, now it makes me feel safe. My home is my physical safe place, and God is my spiritual safe place.

Verse 6 captures how I have felt since God showed me the reality of who he is. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. That's why I have such a hard time describing what happened in that moment. It was too wonderful to conceive, and too lofty to describe. 

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

If I go to the oncology office, you are there. If I mentor young people, you are there. And when I am on my death bed, even there his hand will guide me, and his right hand will hold me fast. I've often said that I feel God's presence every waking moment since he broke in on me. There's nowhere I can go and nothing I can do to escape him. Nor would I want to. But it's not just that God is everywhere, it's that he's inside me. He's everywhere I go because he goes with me.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

I have gone through some dark times, emotionally, during my journey. I have spent days on end under a dark cloud. There have been times when I felt like the light had become night around me. But even the blackest night cannot stand against his light.

Here's the thing about light and darkness. Many seem to have the idea that light and darkness are equal and opposite forces, but that isn't true, either in the physical or spiritual realm. Physical darkness is literally nothing. It's the absence of light. That's all. There's no such thing as a dark switch. When you walk into a dark room and turn the light on, the darkness has to flee. Darkness is non-existence. Light, on the other hand, is energy.

The same is true for spiritual darkness and emotional darkness. Like a dark room, that kind of darkness can seem impenetrable when we're in it. But when God turned his light on in my heart, the darkness disappeared like fog on a sunny day.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

This life is not my own. I was bought with a price. I owe everything to God, including my existence. How can I blame him for what's happening to me now when I never would have existed in the first place without him?

This passage shows how God is with us right from the beginning, before we are even born. I've known and accepted that from earliest childhood, but what speaks to me now is the last phrase; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. I am now coming to the end of the days God has ordained for me. He determined when I was born, and he determines when I die. The same is true for all of us. The wonder that is the human body eventually breaks down and dies. It's fearfully and wonderfully made, but it is fragile. The good news is, when this body dies, I will receive a new, eternal body like Jesus' resurrected body. That one will never grow old or die.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Here's a truth that should be obvious. God is much smarter than we are. Yet how often do we try to outsmart him? Silly humans.

I'm skipping the next four verses where David bellyaches about his enemies, which he so often did. He seems to have held grudges. David is considered one of the great heroes of the Bible, but he was a deeply flawed man. Bathsheba, anyone? And yet, God revealed himself to David. I too am a deeply flawed man, in ways I do not talk about in this blog. Yet God is revealing himself to me as well. God isn't looking for perfect people. He just wants people who recognize their need of him. That's the only way we can see him for who he is.

²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

God has searched me. He knows my heart. My heart is not perfect. It's often selfish and proud. And like I said earlier, my thoughts are anxious from time to time. But he's still working on me. He's teaching me all the time. Not in words or instruction, but by simply allowing me to see a small part of his glory. Once you see that, everything changes. Any desire to hang on to those offensive ways in me disappears.

He is leading me in the way everlasting. And soon, I will experience eternity, from everlasting to everlasting.

Thank you, Nicki, for this post. Thank you, Lord, for showing yourself to The Former Director of Music again, through the words of this ancient song. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. But he keeps filling my head and heart with it anyway. It isn't knowledge of facts. It's knowledge of him. #waroncancer #bearingwitness