Childless By Choice

In the comments of a Facebook post recently, someone expressed regret that my wife and I had never had children, "legacy and family being what they are," to quote him. I replied that we don't regret not having children at all. After another response from him that I found offensive, I responded with our views on childlessness at some length, and many people responded. One asked me to include my comments in my upcoming book, Bearing Witness. I agreed, and thought I should also include my thoughts on this subject as a page in this blog.

Sharon and I decided early in our marriage not to have children. At first, we believed we would be touring as major Christian rock stars or something, and didn't think that would be a good way to raise kids. We also saw what our friends' lives were like who had small children, and decided that wasn't for us. The longer we went without children, the more used to our lifestyle we became. We enjoy just being a couple. We don't think there's anything wrong with just being a couple.

But couples who are childless by choice face attitudes like that of the commenter; that we lack a legacy, or that, unlike those with children, we'll be lonely in our old age. I found his attitude upsetting, and responded with this comment:

I'm all about my legacy, but you don't need children to have one. We don't see our choice not to have children as a "privilege" that we missed out on. Even now, with a terminal illness, we have not wished for a moment to be surrounded by children and grandchildren. 

What's offensive is the mindset that so many people have that if you choose not to have children, there's something wrong with you, or you're selfish, or you're missing out on something important. I understand that those who want children can't understand those who don't, the same way those who fear death can't understand why I don't. Christians who talk a good game about marriage being devalued in our society regularly devalue my marriage because it's childless. One of the main arguments made against same-sex marriage is that the "purpose" of marriage is supposedly to have children. Those who say such things devalue every childless marriage. 

I'm sensitive on this subject. Can you tell? Every childless person by choice reading this knows what I'm talking about. Attitudes like this devalue us as people and as couples. Those of us who choose not to have children are not mistaken, selfish, or missing out. Attitudes about this need to change.

About a year ago, an elderly gentleman, after a visit with his great-grandchildren, told me he couldn't wish for anything better for me than what he had; a seemingly inexhaustible supply of grandchildren and great-grandchildren coming to visit. I kept quiet, but I was offended. His greatest wish for me was for something I can never have? He obviously thought I was missing out. I missed his greatest wish for me by choosing not to have children forty years ago.

My wife and I have been told to our faces that we're selfish for choosing not to have children. We've been told we never grew up because of that. The biblical command to be fruitful and multiply has been invoked upon us.

I don't deny that the command I quote is in the Bible. I just don't think it applies to us today. That command was given when, according to the Bible, there were about five people in the world. That may be a slight exaggeration. But you get the point. That command has been obeyed far beyond what I believe our Creator intended. This planet is not built for eight billion people. If some of us choose not to have children, and therefore not replace ourselves in the population, maybe rush hour traffic won't be so bad in a generation or two.

In terms of what I'm "missing," I spent my career working with kids. I've continued to work with children and teenagers into retirement. It brings me great joy. I have special relationships with the ones I mentor, and with children of friends. I love each of these young people, and try to do legacy work with them. I will leave behind a legacy with many who I worked with in their youth. I feel blessed to have such a legacy, and I didn't need to have my own children to attain it.

It's true that I had no son to "carry on the family name," but it's not like the name Bradford is dying out. There is a plentiful supply of Bradfords in the world.

For those who believe we would have had amazing children, I agree. I believe we would have been great parents had we chosen that path. Our oldest would have been in his or her mid-thirties now. Our lives would have been much different. But we don't regret that decision at all. We've loved the life we've had together, just the two of us.

Let me say it plainly. Those who are childless by choice are not selfish. There's nothing wrong with us. We're not missing out. And having children is no guarantee you won't be lonely in your old age. Just visit any retirement home and ask how often the residents' children visit. Some of us are not cut out for parenthood. And some of us just don't want to be parents. We don't have that drive to procreate. For some, it's a financial decision. For others, it's about career and freedom. As for me, I was driven toward a goal, and children were not included in that goal.

As I said in my Facebook comment, attitudes towards childless couples need to change. You may not understand the lifestyle choices of someone else, but it's not for you to judge those choices. #bearingwitness