I'm having a much better day today than I've had for about a week. That in spite of the fact that I didn't sleep much last night due to foot cramps. That's a first. When I don't sleep well, I usually am not in a great mood the next day, but today I feel pretty good. Tired, but good.
I think I have a handle on where my anger is coming from, and how to get to where I need to be with all of that. I had coffee with my pastor yesterday, and it helped just to talk things out with him. I had my second therapy appointment today, and that went very well also. I'm not over the hump yet, but I think I can see the top of the hump from here, and how to get there.
Someone in my support group said something today that made an impression on me. He said it's good to be on the right side of the dirt. Or words to that effect. I like that. The right side of the dirt. We all know what he meant, of course. He meant it's good to be alive, which is a no brainer. We can all agree with that. When you have cancer, every day is a bonus. Actually, every day is a bonus whether you have cancer or not. But I didn't always have that attitude until I got hit by God's 2 By 4.
But with the stuff I've been dealing with lately, being on the right side of the dirt has other meanings. I've got some spiritual dirt I need to get on the right side of. Emotional dirt, too.
Lupron in my system makes that more difficult. It seems to create more dirt. Or maybe it wets it down and makes it heavier. Or maybe my analogies are ridiculous. Probably, but you get the idea. It's hard to clear away dirt when your emotions are all messed up. It's hard to do anything when I'm in that state. Anything except write this blog. For me, writing about what I'm going through is the perfect tonic. It's good for what ails me. I'm so thankful to have this outlet, and even more thankful that anyone wants to read it.
I've gotten a lot of good advice and input from friends in the last two days. Very practical stuff. And I am starting to be able to feel God's presence again. It's not like it was, because of all the dirt that's been stirred up lately, but I'll get there.
Many guys on Lupron are also prescribed an antidepressant to help regulate their emotional state. But I don't want to go that route if I can avoid it. I don't really believe in taking a second drug to counteract side effects of a drug you're on. That feels like a trap to me. My wife and I are not "pharmaceutical" types. We prefer the more natural route, emphasizing diet and supplements.
But my mood swings and anger have been so bad lately, I thought I should ask the support group what they are taking, and how it affects them. I thought I should at least ask. So I asked the group that question. I was getting answers and responding to them, when I was messaged by a good friend who knows nutrition, and takes a supplement to help with similar hormonal issues. She sent me a link to a site where I had to take a quiz about my emotions, moods, and compulsions. I got a high score in the same category that she does, so she recommended the supplement that she is taking. It helps increase serotonin levels.
I feel a lot better about trying that than an antidepressant. I ordered a bottle on Amazon, and it should arrive tomorrow. I hope it helps. And yes, I will inform my oncologist that I'm taking it.
But that whole episode felt like God working to me. I'm looking into answers that I'm not comfortable with, and while I'm doing it, a woman who I consider a saint feels motivated to message me on the subject at that exact moment. After a little research, her solution feels right to me. In my world, we call that a God Thing.
I'd tell you who she is, but I should probably stop tagging friends so much in this blog. But she's made many appearances here. I'm sure she'll make many more. She's like that.
I hope that helps me clear away some of the dirt. I hope it helps me control my moods. I hope it helps me sleep through the night.
I have a prayer meeting to go to tonight. Between my therapy appointment today, writing this post, and an hour of prayer with fellow believers, this will have been a very therapeutic day. The kind of day that makes me feel glad to be on the right side of the dirt.