The Post I Wanted To Write

I didn't get to write the post I wanted to write yesterday. It would have been really inspiring, too. But events didn't cooperate.

My Medicaid coverage ended yesterday. I'm hopeful that it will be reinstated by the end of this week. But that will be cutting it close when it comes to keeping my appointment with my oncologist this Tuesday. I'm supposed to get a blood draw to check my PSA before I go in. But without coverage, that's proving to be a problem.

I've mentioned before in this blog that, when I first went public with my diagnosis, I set up a GoFundMe campaign to help us with medical and living expenses. That campaign quickly exceeded its goal. It was an amazing display of love and support, and my wife and I will always be grateful for it. That money kept us afloat financially for five months. But it's long gone now.

Since then, I haven't felt like I could go back to that well again. So I haven't promoted the campaign at all, other than keeping a widget for it on my website and this blog. But I also didn't feel like I should close it. Then, something unexpected happened last weekend. Out of the blue, we received four donations within 24 hours. I felt strongly that this was God's way of providing for the medical appointments I have scheduled.

I called my oncologist's office to tell them I had lost my coverage. I wanted to know what it would cost for me to pay out of pocket for my blood draw and oncologist's appointment. They wouldn't tell me. They won't even work with me unless I have insurance.

I was sure that they would give me an amount for the PSA test and appointment, and that the amount that was contributed would be just enough to pay for it. That's the post I wanted to write yesterday. A post about God's faithfulness. I knew Medicaid wouldn't come through that fast, but I thought I'd been given what I needed to get by until it does, if it does.

If I'm still ruled ineligible for Medicaid, then I'll be forced onto private insurance with a high deductible. Maybe that's what this money is for. It won't be touched for anything but medical expenses. If it turns out that those contributions equal what I have to pay towards my deductible at that time, I will shout it from the rooftops in this blog. If I end up back on Medicaid, that money will go to naturopathic treatment.

As I've said before in this blog, if you live outside the U.S., you must think it's crazy that we even have to think about money when it comes to medical treatment here. You would be right. But that's the way it is, and it's not likely to change anytime soon. I think it will change someday, but not in time for me.

Each step of the way, I'm being taught about trusting God. When my disability was denied, I had to trust God. And one very good friend. Now, without insurance, I have to trust God again. And he just keeps coming through.

So I didn't get to write the post I was hoping to write. But there are lots of posts I'd like to write, but can't. I'd like to post that I won the lottery. But I don't buy lottery tickets anymore. I used to buy Powerball or Mega Millions or both, almost every week. But now I don't. Do you want to know why? It's not that I think there's anything wrong with it. It's not because it's a waste of money that I can't afford to lose, even though it is. I've heard it referred to as "the idiot tax."

No, the reason I don't buy lottery tickets anymore is that if I won I'm afraid that I'd lose the motivation to keep writing my story. I'd rather keep doing this than win the lottery. I've never said that about my lifelong passion, music. But it's true of this blog.

I'd love to write a post in tribute to one person who has been an unbelievable friend to me since this started. But this blog has grown to the point that I don't feel like I can do that anymore. There are too many strangers reading it. I'll have to do that privately at some point.

And of course, I'd love to write a post saying that I'm cancer free. That may happen sooner than you think. If you read my last post, you know that I intend to delay my next Lupron shot to see if my PSA rises. If it doesn't rise by the end of this year, or at some interval determined by my oncologist, I'll get another biopsy done to see if I still have cancer. So that post may yet be written. Stay tuned.

But for today, you're stuck with this post. Inspiration has been a little hard to come by lately. I suspect that it's because of the 5-HTP supplement I've been taking to control my moods. 5-HTP does a good job of suppressing negative emotions like anger and irritability, but it also seems to suppress the good emotions, at least for me. God doesn't seem as close as he did when my emotions were just below the surface. And in my interpersonal relationships, things have cooled off as well. I don't feel the anger as much, but I also don't feel the love as much.

I will update when I know more about my coverage. But I didn't feel like I could wait until then to post. I want to write even when I don't have much to write about. I'm just happy, and thankful, and amazed that you want to read what I write. Even when it isn't the post I wanted to write. #waroncancer